Friday, February 11, 2011

Glow


Everything feels up in the air, on the brink of something that I can't quite put my finger on. Maybe I'm just still running around trying to get things back in order after that crazy January. Maybe I just have September in my head, as far away as it is, since now's the time to register Rosie for school. In September William will be in school five full days and Rosie two or three full days each week. I think Rosie going to school will be alright, since I'll always know I have the entire next day alone with just her. No rush to pick up William at 11am. The days will be ours to fill up however we want. But it's the idea of William gone for the full week that feels the most unnerving and a little sad. I guess I'm also thinking about what I'm going to do with that time. Writing for sure, uninterrupted time will be amazing. But only if I'm doing more now, I can't say on Labour Day - Tomorrow I Start to Write Full-time. That'll never work. But the thought of doing a yoga class at lunchtime if I like, or writing without waiting to be asked for a snack or to play a game sounds great, I'll admit. I can say that without feeling guilty right? Scott says I can, he's being as supportive and encouraging as always, maybe even a little more if that's possible. I think it needs to start changing now, slowly. I need to carve more time out for those things, get my feet much more than just wet. And I realize a long luxurious summer lies in between now and then. So this feeling of change, in whatever form it should or could take, is good. I feel very full of love right now too, very happy for the tiny newnesses that are going on in little bits here and there. Of course the good feelings are thrown off at times by a night like one I had this week when I picked up a story I'm working on and read through it to see it as horribly weak and hollow. So I need to find time to fill up, blow more life into it. And that's what I feel has been going on around here these past few weeks since feeling so much better. New experiences, new people, and even stronger love back and forth between the ones who are always here has been filling me up. Even in yoga it's already getting easier to take those big deep breathes in right to the top. I need to take that and put some of it into the work I so much want to experience more. I like saying 'experience', as if, if I let them, my characters will let me see more of them and their lives, but I need to earn that.

Also, an aside (for anyone still reading, I know this may be sounding very self-indulgent and long winded), I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want this blog to be now. I've been doing it for several years now and it too seems to be changing. It's not just a means of letting everyone know what the kids are up to. I feel, like I said, a little self-indulgent about this, also a bit self-conscious to be writing a lot more personally about myself. (The thought of posting this blog makes me nervous and I hope it's not boring). I want to use it as a space to clear my thoughts, play with some ideas, still write what the kids are up too. But I'm afraid I sound like I'm bragging, or trying to paint a picture of a certain life. Like I'm somehow ignoring that Boppa has a horrible cough in Whitby or any of the other troubles that family or friends or going through. But I'm not ignoring or forgetting anything, I just want to write about whatever it is at that moment I need to write about. Guess I don't need to apologize for that, do I? Maybe it'll surprise me, I think it's good for the blog to change along with us fish. I guess I'll just keep getting the words down and hope for the best.

The Glow title? Not sure, lots of sun lately, warmth, healthy, kid's cold cheeks.

OK, deep breath in and when you exhale, POST!

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